Pounds of Flesh

Paul Krugman, over at conscience of a liberal, drew attention to this very funny airport sign the other day.

Airports are, of course, the last bastion of spontaneous humor – perhaps because there’s something so hideous about squeezing into a cramped metal compartment with your fellow man, cheek by jowl, noses inhaling the same recycled air for several hours while you contemplate how a terrorist win could hardly be more awful than the indignity of removing first your hat, then your shoes, then your pants in airport security until you wondered if you’d walked unwitting into an audition for a Vegas show. Nor for that matter could it be so much more terrible than the temperature of the plane itself, which has all the tropical warmth of winter in the Kremlin, which exacerbates the growling in your stomach as you behold the usurious prices the blonde, be-hatted, matching airline attendants demand for peanuts, water, and even trips to the toilet.

Yes, a flight resembles nothing so much as a prison where you’re not even granted the solace of a phone call. Which is why the suggestion at the Princeton airport is either genius marketing or the slow fade of our last vestiges of national self-respect, depending on how you look at it.

Imagine, if you will, that airlines did charge by the pound. Not 20 cents, not at these gas prices – let’s say $1.75. After all, a pound is a pound in the impersonal eyes of thrust and lift. In this world of peak load pricing, Eva Longoria would pay a mere $157.50 to jet across country. On the other hand, her hulking husband would pay the prince’s ransom of $437.50. Between them, the Longoria-Parkers would net an airline $297.50 a piece. Not bad.

In this new world, people who like to fill up, work out or even wear extensive fleece will have to pony up. And if they think to complain at the unfairness of it all, the wise man’s response would be “is this economy fair? Is joblessness fair? Is terrorism fair?”

And if anyone fears climbing aboard that communal scale, perhaps even dreads facing the number they would be forced, by law, to confront – remember this much: sans keys, sans belt, sans shoes, clothes and basic dignity – well, you’ll have very little left to lose. Your weight might even reflect that.