Oh my God, Becky, look at her...

A little while back, Glamour ran a short blurb criticizing cosmetic vaginal surgery. What does that tremor-inducing phrase mean? Cosmetic vaginal surgery covers a variety of completely voluntary procedures: among them, surgeries to tighten your vag and to reattach certain elements, making you feel, in the words of Madonna, "like a virgin." I know - just thinking about this makes me want to cross my legs and weep.

There are some women, of course, who denounce this surgery as an anti-feminist outrage. Personally, I prefer to think of vaginal surgery along the same lines as penis enhancement. Neither seems to improve the receiver's sex life, both can cause severe complications (think permanent loss of sensation, discoloration, oozing, and other things associated with never getting laid again). Interestingly, no one has stepped up to call the penis enhancement industry by its real name: an anti-manist outrage. But let's be honest, who gives a flying, discolored fuck about men's identity issues anyway?

Nonetheless, I think I sense the source of some female outrage. And it has nothing to do with prosthetic privates. The truth is, I too felt a twinge of foreboding when I read the article. I suddenly saw, in my mind's eye, a blazing future in which beautiful women walked around with pencil-thin, constantly virgin vaginas. In this world, I felt outdated and out of place. I faced a terrible choice: go under the knife or die alone.

Then I woke up and realized it was all just a terrible nightmare. But what about those women who never wake up? God, it must be terrible for them.

And at the risk of getting too far out there (let's be honest, I'm pretty far out there already), I have a suggestion for all the dissatisfied women who shell out $5000 to have themselves surgically 'revirginized.' Consider seeing a professional dominatrix. You'll still get a night of awkwardness, pain and bleeding, but it won't cost nearly as much.

For those who really can't get enough of the word "vagina," there's a great article about this surgery in the Wall Street Journal. (Non-subscribers can get a brief summary at Slate.)