The Notlist

GQ once ran a list of "100 Things Every Man Does Not Have to Do Before He Dies." On the list: visit his grandfather's village, have sex on an airplane, and date a supermodel. So, in order of importance, here's my list of "21 Things Every College Student Does Not Have to Do Before He Graduates."

1. March in a protest. (It can be exhilarating, but it can also be wet and awkward.)
2. Get busted by the cops. (It's only fun until you're sitting in a plastic chair deciding whom you want to call.)
3. A three-way. (This one time, while I was in New York, a few co-workers and I got really drunk...and fell asleep.)
4. A major relationship. (We don't all have to get married right out of college, despite what my mother says.)
5. An internship, especially an unpaid one. (Who says your time is worthless?)
6. Study abroad.
7. A second major. (Who's counting? Who cares?)
8. Hard drugs. (Again, it's fun until you wake up, still baked and unable to see properly, in a stranger's apartment. And your wallet's gone. So I'm told.)
9. Have a 'great adventure'. (Who cares if you never motorbiked the Outback? Saved the Whales? Appeared on Parental Control?)
10. Save the world. (From what?)
11. Get 'thrown out' (of a bar, a dorm, an Asian Students Association meeting, etc...)
12. Anything involving alcohol - and a camera. (Who needs proof that they danced on a bar in a short skirt/dyed their chest hair orange/made out with their best friend? Everyone already knows anyway.)
13. Throw a sweet 21st birthday party. (That party - everyone was talking about it? Three sorority girls made out on a couch? Half the freshman class passed out on the floor? Two kids actually did it on the fire escape? The football team brought a giraffe? The neighbors called the fire department? Yeah, that party. It wasn't at your house.)
14. Learn to cook. (It's a fact, people eat Easy Mac long into their 20's.)
15. Blow job shots. Or any other drink that sounds like a sex act.
16. Laundry. (Just kidding, unless you don't wash your underwear.)
17. Found a company (This town ain't big enough for Google, Facebook, and whatever you come up with.)
18. Watch porn. And then talk about it in an honest, respectful way that encourages sincere dialogue between the sexes.
19. Work out.
20. Mature. (Do you still chuckle when some unfortunate exchange student has a name that sounds like an obscenity? What about when someone mentions anal sex?)
21. Figure out what you want out of life. (I know one thing: when I graduate, I will not know what I want to do/whom I want to marry/how many kids I want to have/what age I want to die. I'm not sweating it.)

Oh, to Ben: I don't mind if people read it. Go ahead and put it in the Feed, and good luck.