My Free Lunch

Sitting in the darkness of my room (our lamp just fused out) I wish for a fast electrician and the wherewithal to pay him. I wish for...an expense account.

As one of my old employers once said of the New Yorker, there are two types of people in this world. Those who have it, and those who don't. The same is true of expense accounts. This past weekend I stayed in the Hilton in NYC's Financial District, doing final-round interviews for a high-powered investment bank. I was surprised to find myself, for the first time, staying in a hotel room completely alone. And at someone else's expense.

The truth is, I've worked in nonprofits and in the government sector. I haven't made a cent off my past two internships, and for once it felt nice to be a person of means. I could take Town Cars without feeling a rush of guilt. (Imagine wedging a carry-on suitcase through the gates of a New York subway station and you'll realize why this matters.)

Sitting in the Hilton's all-hours "Business Center" I accidentally printed a document on a machine the guy next to me was using. "Sorry!" I exclaimed. "Let me pay you..."
He looked at me like I was a door off its hinges. "Look," he said, eyes narrowed. "I can always expense it." And in a flash of blinding insight I realized, Wait, so can I! It's like a rush of blood to the head. I was dizzy, blinded, strangely excited...part of an upper class I hadn't even known existed.

There are drawbacks. Except at the most senior levels, those who live the expense account life rarely have leisure time. It's true, they fret over bottom lines and corporate valuation. Coming back, I was a little deflated when I heard someone use the phrase "Econ Tool." Is that me? I wondered.

A word in the defense of Econ Tools. Just like there are Econ Tools, there are Nonprofit Tools. People who attend every lecture about every cause, toss around phrases like "institutional oppression" when talking about a rare night at the Keg, and in general make a nuisance of the fact that they really really care about low-income people's right to all-organic diets. I care about most liberal causes, I've volunteered for liberal politicians. But I can't lie - sinking into the 500-thread-count sheets, damp from a shower taken under a massaging showerhead, and smelling of sweet hotel shampoo - I didn't fill with righteous indignation. I didn't think about the child labor that wove those sheets, the water wasted during my long shower, or the landfills those empty shampoo containers would end up in. Instead, I thought, Ahhh...this feels good...wow, five pillows! It's like an orgy with a family of dwarves!

Maybe it's not what I expected going in, but it's not that bad, either.