The Princess and the Pea-Sized Brain

So you want to direct a Bollywood film? It's the most prolific movie industry in the world, but crafting a hit means understanding the genre. Here's what a hit Bollywood film involves:

Plot:
Critical, but usually doesn't move until after intermission. Most hits involve a love triangle, a family feud, a crime, a fistfight over a girl, a motorcycle chase, and an old man extolling traditional Indian values. Oh, and a song and dance number. Consider this sample script:

Scene: Mansion. Girl is doing her nails, Sister is using computer.
Girl: I love Boy!
Girl's Sister: (aside) But Boy and I have been secretly dating for months!
Girl: It's too bad his great-grandfather stole my great-grandfather's prize sheep in season of the flooded shearing a hundred years ago, or it would all be okay!
Girl's Sister: Do you hear something? (A motorcycle busts in, Boy is on it)
Girl and Sister: My love! (They notice each other) You bitch!
Boy: (while driving by) It's hard out here for a pimp!
Girl's Father: (roaring through on a second motorcycle) I'll kill you, you lowborn son of a livestock rustler!
Girl: Don't kill him, I love him! (sound of a crash as cycles collide, Father and Boy jump off, start punching each other, Boy falls to the ground)
Great-grandfather: (from beyond grave) Children, it's time to put these petty differences behind us. Girl, I want you too marry Boy. It was decreed centuries ago. Sister, get over it.
All: Yes, dadaji! Perfect solution!
*dance where boy does a pelvic thrust and girls frolic in bikinis*

Yes, it needs work. And I admit I'm an outsider. But this script is fine. The fun thing about Hindi movies is that the burden of cheesy sexual objectification falls on both sexes equally. The girls all waltz around in bikinis and belly-baring costumes, and the men run around shirtless boasting muscle definition that was obviously Photoshopped into the uncut film. Equality, how sweet your face (and body, of course).

What bothers me is the recent trend toward what I must call Jessica Simpson-ification. It's when some highly educated woman appears in the film in the first scene. We know she's educated because her nametag says "Doctor ___." We know she's capable because her friends all whisper about how she's a black belt in Kung Fu. However, she gets dialogue like this: "Hey there, were you like checking me out?" And action like this: kicking some guy in the balls when he stares too long at her exposed ass.

Let's be honest: I too was staring at this girl's ass. Because don't doctors wear lab coats? Don't they talk about melanomas and ruptures and all those fun-sounding medical problems? At least at work...so what's with the rise of the ditz? These actresses are all barking for the song-and-dance scenes, when they get to rip off their restraints, take down their hair, and shimmy around like little Ms. World. And frankly, I think it's rude. If the woman is a doctor, treat her like one. Show her behaving like one, at least when she's on the clock. Take her seriously. If she's a street performer who flirts for cash, then by all means bring on the come-ons! But it's out of character, and it's disrespectful to educated women everywhere to portray them as fools.

But maybe I'm getting overly worked up. Maybe I should just stop taking these films so seriously. Maybe I should sit back, pop in my copy of Dukes of Hazzard, and snag some papcorn for the ride. Maybe I should just admit that sure, Jessica may be blonder than scrambled eggs and tighter than a freshly resined violin, but I could take her word for word on the SAT. Because God knows, I don't have to take everything so personally. Right?